Backcountry Beacon

We all know how important the iPhone is when you’re showing off at the bar and solidifying your status as the most cutting-edge member of your crew, but how useful will it be when you find yourself munsoned in the backcountry? Assuming you have no cell service (if you did, the point would be moot) a wilderness survival scenario separates the useless, gimmicky, or downright dumbass iPhone applications from those that realize the true potential of today’s technology.

In an effort to clarify the iPhone’s true backcountry utility we put it head-to-head with its Prehistoric counterpart, the Stick. Here’s what we found:

Entertainment:

Ideally, spending time in the wilderness gives you a refreshing break from the non-stop barrage of digitized information. The simple pleasure of whittling a piece of deadfall should keep any self-respecting outdoor enthusiast happy for hours on end. But even we can’t deny the guilty joy of vegging out in our tents and watching episodes of South Park while our loser friends suffer through another “summit push.”

The sad truth is that listening to Li’l Wayne while simultaneously breaking your Tetris high score beats the hell out of a solo game of pick-up sticks. Staying alive in the backcountry demands an unfaltering will to survive, and if that has to come from rocking your air guitar skills to your favorite Jonas Brothers song, who are we to judge?

Score: iPhone 1, Stick 0

Hunting:

The ability to hunt may be the difference between life and death. Since the dawn of time, primates have relied upon the
stick to fashion crude weapons and tools. The stick’s hunting versatility is near-endless: club, spear, bow and arrow,
poison blow dart, or even collecting ants like a Darwin-friendly ape. With a little dexterity and patience, you’ll have
a meal within hours.

The iPhone leaves fewer options. Unless you have full-on black-belt ninja skills, sneaking close enough to any critter
and bludgeoning it to death with your 3G smart phone is next to impossible. Other than that, your best bet will be to
rely on your Bird Call app and hypnotic touch-screen graphics to lure prey in, and hope to God that playing Celine Dion’s
Live in Las Vegas will induce the animal to take its own life by leaping to its death or impaling itself … on a Stick.

Score: iPhone 1, Stick 1

Survival:

So you’ve managed to kill, catch, or scrounge something edible from the wilderness. You are truly All that is Man. But now
what? Sure, you have 2 gigs of Rachel Ray’s 30-minute meals in your Recipe Book App, but unless you plan on roasting your
catch over a digital flame on your touch screen (doesn’t work; we tried), you’re going to need some real wood for the fire.

Since you’ve already proven your manly prowess, find a reliable companion for your stick, and start rubbing them together
like a crack-head with a fist full of stolen scratch-off lottery tickets. If you’re indeed worth that patch of hair on your
chest, you will have lived up to the Neanderthals’ legacy and made fire.

Score: iPhone 1, Stick 2

Shelter:

Any Girl Scout worth her cookies can build a lean-to out of some deadfall, but it takes a true iDouche to trust a trendy
Apple product to shelter him from anything but the inability to Twitter right up until hypothermia sets in.

Score: iPhone 1, Stick 3

Navigation:

While Bear Grylls showed us how to escape the Mojave by plotting a course with a primitive stick-in-sand sundial, his film
crew just used their iPhones’ GPS functionality, leaving time to book rooms at the Bellagio and score tickets to Blue Man
Group. Sure, the stick is cheaper and can help you navigate in a jam, but full-time GPS gives iPhone owners something that’s
actually worth bragging about (for a change).

Score: iPhone 2, Stick 3

Bathroom:

Without exception, one of the easiest tasks to accomplish in the wilderness is heeding the call of nature. A simple squat,
push, and pinch should suffice. However, when you’re in the woods for days at a time, your nether regions will begin to
stink and fester.

There’s little doubt that you won’t use your Stick to de-funk your junk. If there’s some fresh foliage or fallen leaves
lying about, the Stick could help to round them up, but that’s about it. In times of extreme vulnerability, we require
something smooth. Next to the Stick, the iPhone is just so damn sleek. Although it cost you an arm and a leg, how could
you not consider using your beloved icon of all things civilized to cleanse your holiest of holes? You can even enjoy a
good old-fashioned fart, even if it is generated by your iPhone’s pull-my-finger application.

Score: iPhone 3, Stick 3

First Aid:

So your buddy’s pounced by a feral cat in the backcountry. No matter how many times he has tried to win the affection of
an independently wealthy, sexually aggressive divorcee, he’s had no luck at the local ski town bar. This is his first real
cougar, so your initial reaction is to say, “Right on.” Yet, irony aside, that pansy won’t stop screaming and you’re forced
to splint his leg with … the Stick. Unless you’re getting WebMD or 911 out here, the iPhone won’t do much in this scenario
besides help your buddy find his happy place with the soothing sounds of Yanni Live at the Acropolis.

Score: iPhone 3, Stick 4

Companionship:

After days of being lost in the woods, you may pine for the voice of another human. You could talk to the photos of
“girlfriends” you wish you’d dated, but that could get old after a day or two. You might try the iGirl. She dances for
you, laughs when you tickle her, and even has to hold down her skirt when you blow across your screen. But, unless you
have the sexual maturity of an eighth grader, it’s kind of creepy.

“But, this Stick is certainly no better,” you say? Au contraire. With a little imagination, you can whittle it into your
own personal Wilson, talking you through your lonely nights in the forest and soothing you after you have to remove a
molar with an ice skate.

If you tire of Wilson, he’s easy to change. Whittle him a new face or outfit, or simply change
the voice in your head. The possibilities are endless.

Score: iPhone 3, Stick 5

Water:

Why waste time dragging yourself across some arid plain trying to reach a far-off and unobtainable mirage when instead you can stare at the Koi pond on your iPhone or pour a pretend beer. It’s all well and good, except you’re still thirsty.

Your stick will not only find the water (divining) but will also dig a handy hole where sediment helps filter out Giardia so you can drink the pure stuff.

Score: iPhone 3, Stick 6

SOS:

When you get marooned in the wild, sometimes the best strategy is to stay put and try to signal for help. The stick offers myriad options. You could spell out “HELP” or “SOS” with loose branches. A little puff on the peace pipe and you won’t really care that you’re lost anymore; you can just peacefully munch berries and commune with woodland creatures like a regular Bob Ross. Or you could make a real fire, one large enough to signal the Forest Service employees to put down their own paraphernalia and find your ass.

You could, as well, rely on the iPhone’s Strobe Light application to catch the eye of passing pilots. Just keep in mind that when salty Search and Rescue veterans see your iPiece, they may refuse to help yet another hipster starving for attention.

Score: iPhone 3, Stick 7

Bottom Line:

iPhones can save the day when you’re immersed in your urban playground, searching for cheap takeout or settling idiotic bar bets, but Facebook status updates and Twitter tweets don’t mean shit in the wild. No matter how exciting a sexy new iPhone may seem, we’ll take natural wood any day.