When we heard that this year’s winter games would be held in Canada, we were thrilled. It wasn’t until we saw the event lineup that reality hit. And it hit hard.
Our vision of a two-week, beer-fueled Canadian riot-turned-civil-war was crushed. In its place we got curling. We can appreciate any athletic event that involves brooms, but we had hoped for a little more edge in 2010; something that would drive the imaginations of our mindless reality TV generation to the brink of fascination. Alas, it was not to be.
In light of this disappointment, we felt that it was our duty to share our fantasy for a more entertaining winter games experience with you. Ladies and Gentlemen, may we present … the Dirtbag Olympiad.
Chinese Downhill
On the last day of the season, skiers across the country gather on the highest point of their local resort mountain. They line up side by side, dressed in skin-tight speed suits with full-face helmets and body armor (plus the occasional drag-queen getup and Teletubby costume). There are no rules or regulations—pole stabbing, high-speed shoving, biting, and smoke-screens are the norm.
Imagine Bode Miller, in a hot pink speed suit with a princess-crown taped to his helmet, lined up next to Aksel Lund Svindal, in coattails and a faux-fur jockstrap, on the highest skiable peak at Whistler. The Olympic president lobs the first snowball into the open powder field. The moment it touches, athletes plunge off the cornice and Mach down the first steep pitch. Cowbells ring in the distance, gamblers clutch their tickets, and ski sponsors bite their nails in anticipation. Lyndsey Vonn drafts behind the big boys and picks them off—elbows fly and ninja pole-fighting skills ensue. Sponsors cringe at the sight of their athletes cartwheeling down the mountainside, while spectators roar with laughter.
Many will enter, few will finish, and a scrappy three will claim glory.
Gaper Biathalon
Long since Biathlon’s inception as a training regimen for Norwegian soldiers, there has been something missing from this spandex-and-skinny-ski-fueled sport. We wonder if we couldn’t set these prime athletes to a more meaningful task: at once dazzling spectators with their athletic prowess and performing a valuable community service. With this in mind, we give you the Gaper Biathlon.
Imagine our Olympic athletes racing across beaten traverses and through crowded lift lines at your local resort. Each athlete carries a small rifle filled with color-coded paint rounds specifically designed to stun the unaware, the tortuously slow, and the just plain annoying. The biathletes start to separate the wheat from the chaff as the denim-clad careen into poles, slow down the lifts, and trade stocks on their web-enabled cell phones. Surgically placed rounds earn points for each skier until he or she racks up a total of five paint-splattered side-slippers per station. Lap after lap cowboy hats, dragon jackets, football jerseys, and beer-commercial-laden outerwear are thinned from the herd in a stunning Olympic performance.
At day’s end, the three highest-scoring countries stand proud, and our slopes are free from the flotsam of fanny packs and the ever-fearsome human slalom.
Nude Chairlift Dangling
In 2009, one man’s visionary leap to near-freedom took the Internet by storm and captured the collective imagination of an entire generation. Suddenly the notion of abiding to metal safety bars became ridiculous, a heads-up orientation unnecessary, and pants optional. With one man’s brave attempt to let it all hang out came the birth of Nude Chairlift Dangling.
The Olympic version of the event would begin as one top-heavy athlete leaps from the safety of the super-quad and dangles precariously, arms akimbo, belt loops attached to the bar. As the athlete flails, the clock starts, young viewers’ eyes are shielded, and the routine commences. Pikes, single-Maltese iron crosses; the potential for birthday-suit power moves and dynamic, routine-based performances is as varied as the potential for lawsuits. Middle-aged men and marginally successful Olympic hopefuls are judged on form, difficulty, creativity of shave, and awkwardness of dismount. From nail-biting starts to swaying-in-the-wind routines to the dreaded triple-twist-dismount, competitors awe the crowd with semi-nude athletic performances not seen since your last trip to Tijuana.
Poised to explode as a mainly underground event due to gratuitous nudity and the squeamish nature of most mainstream TV networks, Nude Chairlift Dangling is a sport that promises endless progression and plenty of shameful advertising.
Snowblades (combined)
Many moons ago in Crested Butte, Colo., patches of brown and icy man-made snow covered the slopes. Locals chose to see the glass as half full, and after the consumption of a few liters of whiskey, chopped the top half of their skis off. Suddenly, an absurd amount of one-piece suits disappeared from thrift-store shelves, and speedini.com saw a huge increase in profit. The locals, fearing boredom more than moose-knuckles, had created a new sport; they called it Snowblades (combined).
Snowblade competitors in our fantasy Olympics each strap on a favorite sequined one-piece or abominable snowman costume and blade the most extreme short pitch known to man, woman, child, and ermine. Each athlete is judged in five categories: air, line choice, tightness of costume, mustache intensity, and flamboyance of crash. Competitors race against time as they teeter precariously on the ragged edge of ultimate snowblade performance. Once the freeskiing segment of the event is complete, athletes quickly change outfits, stretch, and mentally prepare for the snowblade ballet portion. Competitors clad in tutus, man panties, and parachute pants perform their best pole-flip, outrigger, and tip-drag. Judges take style, costume, creativity, technique, and flexibility into account to determine the ultimate Snowblade champion.
Wherever the snow is painfully insufficient, and the locals have stooped to bovine seduction to kill time, Snowblades (combined) is there.
Tandem Air-Mattress Skeleton
Born of bored Hungarians fueled by vodka and post-communist angst, Tandem Air-Mattress Skeleton has swept across Eastern Europe in a wide swath from Gyor to Cluj-Napoca. This pure pneumatic expression of brotherly love has captured hearts from Brasov to Varna and even as far as Plovdiv (!!), and Air Supply has been brought on to sing a tribute, “Giddyup Ice Cowboys.”
Before the International Olympic Committee has a chance to brace itself, Tandem Air-Mattress Skeleton could become more popular than the Plovdivian mule toss!
It’s a rare treat to experience the action first-hand. At the sound of the Kalashnikov starting-rifle, the athletes exchange one last soulful gaze and spring into action, erupting in a blur of Lycra, flying snow, and heaving pants of aspiration. Time seems to stand still as they hover for a brief moment in mid-air above the air-mattress, then land, ass-to-face, in what some would call the most awkward moment in more than 4000 years of Skladnoy Cup competition. Using only deep thrusts of their hips to steer the mattress, the riders attempt to stay low and generate as little drag as possible. As the finish line rushes toward them, the anticipation whips the crowd into a dizzied frenzy. Finally, at the very climax of the excitement, they explode across the finish line and the Hungarian throng erupts in chants of “agyafúrt gyenge agresszívan férfias lovaspásztor.”
Cue Air Supply.
Until Then
Although we may have to master inter-dimensional travel in order to view such events on our television screens, for now we can sit around in our performance undies, PBRs in hand, and dream of a world much more promising. In this perfect world, our dirtbag brethren will have their opportunity to stand beside the globe’s elite, and weekend-warriors, couch-surfers, snow-bums, dirt-junkies, and questionable characters everywhere will have something to look forward to every four years.
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Tags: humor, winter games
Look at that steeze
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Don’t forget the “T-handle” skiing invented in my Dad’s garage years ago. A single downhill ski is modified by screwing a bracket onto the tip that facilitates the addition of an aluminum vertical shaft with a T-handle attached. No bindings are used so both feet are slipping around on the bare ski. The challenge is to see how far down the hill you can make it until the handle or ski tip invariably snaps off and sends you tumbling (safety gear is recommended).
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What, no snow biking?
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Funny as heck. We need more fun writing like this. I want to link it to my FB page – got a way?
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Found it.
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If you need gaper-stand-ins, I’d be honored just to be a part of the games.
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you for got cross country snowboarding!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4w7sVSMbjyM
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light saber fighting,
Fight as the jedi would have done, with light sabers. each contry will have a team of five, After you and a bunch of friends down a bunch of tall boys take the empties and tape them to the top of your helmet. now in true jedi form use your powers of the force, your light sabers and some team work to fight your way though the gauntlet of can toped jedi and become a master jedi by being the last jedi team with your can still taped to to your dome. can be done as a muti class skiers and riders battling for dominance.
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jack Jumping
materials-
one ski no binding
one 2×6 board 1.5 – 2 feet ft long
one 2×8 board as wide as your butt.
bunch of screws longer the better
take the ski and the 2×6. mount the 2×6 were you would mount the binding with the screws be sure to be sure to screw up through the base of the ski for a solid seat. then take the 2×8 and lay it on the end of the 2×6 make sure its centered its going to be your seat, and screw it down. you stear with your feet but get ready for a high speed ride.
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As a new fan of “Cross Country Snowboarding” I would have to suggest that this new Adrenaline sport be included in the next Dirtbag Games. To learn more about this exciting new sport check out the youtube video and be prepared to hang up your boards as this sport is likely to be the new craze!
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[...] It’s not the Dirtbag Games [...]
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Tanya that suit is sick!
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This Blog rocks my socks. Its great to acutally find useful information with my spare time. Looking forward to your next posts. Thanks for this share. Cheers
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