Over the years a handful of products have hit the outdoor market with such force that they have changed the way the game is played. Products so innovative, so practical, and so convenient that they redefine the direction of outdoor adventure—shaped skis, wicking fabrics, spring-loaded cams. Some have become so universal that they are known by their name brand rather than what they are specifically: Leatherman, GORE-TEX, Nalgene.
But beyond those life-altering innovations there exists another category of gear …
It is a tightly knit family of products so wild, so unique, and so out there that most people have never heard of them and probably never will. We would like to take you on a journey to the netherworld, yea, the Great Beyond of Outdoor Nirvana in the Sky. These are the products that, for one reason or another, never made it to full production. Join us, if you will, on a fantastic voyage to the Realm of the Ungear.
1. The K2 Hovercraft Inflatable Snow Ski: K2 designed this superfat powder barge with a built-in sensor that activated when you entered powder so deep that you needed a snorkel, and would inflate plastic airbags underneath the skis, thus floating you to the top of the fluff. The problem came when a tester schussed over a sharp rock and punctured one of the airbags. The release of air pressure rocketed the skier into the spiny upper reaches of a pine tree.
2. The Burton Kingpin Bowlerboard Boot: Burton’s revolutionary fusion of snowboarding boots and bowling shoes almost fulfilled the wishes of avid boarder-bowlers across the planet, especially in Japan where the number of boarder-bowler leagues has dramatically increased in the last few years. It seemed like a great idea, but the problem came when testers would step out of their bindings at the bottom of the mountain. The soles of the boots were so slick that riders would almost immediately fall right on their butts. The few that were able to remain upright until reaching the icy parking lot ran an even greater risk of injury—a broken coccyx.
3. The Patagonia Bio Bamboo Board Short: We’re not talking bamboo-woven microfibers. We’re referring to shorts made out of pure, unaltered, unrefined bamboo strips. While extremely sustainable and biodegradable, pure bamboo fibers resemble ceiling insulation and gave product testers thousands of microscopic slices before they even made it into the ocean. Imagine having your groinal region covered with paper cuts, then jumping into saltwater. Ouch. Let’s reiterate that—ouch.
4. The La Sportiva Footloose Spray-on Climbing Shoe: Touted as “the only climbing shoe to come in a can,” this La Sportiva all-around shoe actually sprayed onto your foot like Rhino Lining. The problem had nothing to do with performance. In fact, most testers found the spray on rubber shoes worked much better than regular shoes. They were lightweight, provided superb on-the-rock feel, and allowed you to squeeze your foot into small cracks and other places you could never go with regular shoes. The problem came afterward—it was nearly impossible to remove the shoes. Due to the chemical properties of the solution, it would start to eat away at the foot’s skin after a couple of days of not coming off. Annoying itchiness would turn to intense burning which would turn to complete nerve destruction. It was like the evil black Spidey suit after drinking an entire case of Red Bull.
5. The Victorinox Flip Toothbrush Swiss Army Knife: Ultralight backpackers loved this hygiene-promoting Swiss Army tool because the mini-brush saved space and shaved a couple of ounces off their overall traveling weight. The problem came when campers would wake up in a groggy state and accidentally put toothpaste on the serrated blade instead of the brush, not realizing their mistake until it was too late.
6. The Fi’zi:k Pump State Pen Mountain Bike Seat: Fi’zi:k (don’t stress out, just pronounce it “physic”) tried to bring the once-popular Reebok Pump design to the world of mountain biking, but it didn’t quite make it. After coming off a solid stump jump or even just riding along bumpy terrain, butt impact on the Pump Seat would cause it to pop, thus sending the seat post right up the rider’s sweaty arse.
7. The Mountain House Pre-hydrated Dehydrated Backpacking Meal. It almost made it, until the creators at Mountain House came to the realization that rehydrated dehydrated food was basically just regular food. You see, rehydrating the dehydrating just canceled out the whole process. It’s like the one guy we knew that sanded down his brand new, all black Hummer H4, then painted it black and got really excited about his “new” paint job. We think he inhaled a lot of paint in the process, and that had something to do with his euphoric, yet spacey, Harrison Ford expression.
8. The North Face MJ Fox Anti-Gravity Skateboard: Yep, that’s right, just like the one on Back 2 the Future 2: Return 2 the Future. Now, you’re probably saying to yourself, “The North Face making skateboards? That don’t make no sense.” We thought the same thing. And you know, we and you were right. They actually nailed the design and performance of the thing, but left out one simple feature—a leash. As soon as you stepped off of the board or weren’t holding onto it, it would float away like a little kid’s balloon at the state fair. The North Face is so busy pumping out jabillions of new products all the time that instead of spending effort remedying the problem, the designer decided to drop it and move on to the newest line of Steep Tech stuff. Maybe The North Face should heed the warning of pro skater Tony Hawk: “Hey Nard Face, you don’t see me trying to sell Chinese-made camping sh*t. Stay the f**k out of my backyard!”
9. The Petzl Laser Beam Headlamp: Good Idea? A guy at Petzl permanently blinded six of his co-testers when, forgetting that he was wearing a laser lamp, he’d look them right in the eyes when they spoke to him. You can’t totally blame the guy, though. They shouldn’t have said anything to him in the first place. I mean, the man is wearing a deadly laser beam on his head. C’mon people, think!
10. The Stohlquist Invincible Bullet-Proof Life Jacket: Stohlquist thought they were on to something with the Invincible Jacket. It really could deflect bullets, as well as rocks, strainers, and the drunken punches of your buddies in camp. The only problem was that if you fell into the drink while wearing one, you would sink straight to the bottom. The Kevlar panels inside were just way too dense to float. They would be really good, though, if you were intentionally trying to get quickly to the bottom of the river for some reason.
After reviewing these seemingly absurd products, we recommend that you not lose faith in the competency of the outdoor names you have come to trust so much over the years—Patagonia, Petzl, Burton, etc. Rather, thank them for daring to think outside of the box, for attempting to cross the busy street of common commercialism in order to get to the high mountain trails of unique innovation. Be glad that someone out there is striving to push the envelope in ways it has never been pushed, even if they do occasionally tear a hole in that metaphorical envelope (or in someone’s not-so-metaphorical retina, or their gums). Look at their small failures as necessary steps toward a greater success. We do.
*Legal disclaimer: No products were harmed in the writing of this article. In fact, none of these products ever really existed. It turns out their non-invention came to us in vision form as we spent three days in a sweat-lodge, smoking sage and contemplating life’s purpose. Man, was it hot in there.
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Tags: humor, technology, top 10 list
awesome way to start the week. Thanks for the laughs! ;o) Particularly like that laser beam headlamp. nice.
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The articles you have on your blog are always so enjoyable to read. Good work and I bookmarked it.
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